19 February 2026: Because the Night…
Outside at 3 o’clock in the morning, it was deathly quiet. There was no sound: no breeze rustling the tree branches, no cars going past in the distance, no dogs barking. The air was moist and thick with creamy clouds that hid the moon and stars. Even my dog was uneasy, quickly doing her business and pulling me back inside instead of exploring every corner of the yard as she often does.
Inside was quiet, too. No drip, drip, drip from the kitchen faucet, no hum from the heating vents. It was an uncomfortable stillness that kept me awake, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.
I summoned Kurt Cobain to join me in my dreams again, but he protested: You don’t get two nights in a row. Don’t be greedy.
This is what my nights often look like when I am at home. I wake between two-and-four o’clock, slip out of bed trying not to wake my partner, get the dog out of her crate, and head outside to be bathed in the stillness of the night. It’s my only peace, my lonely comfort, the one time that nothing is required of me. I stare at the stars, speak to the moon–Oh! don’t you look bright tonight!–and breathe the cool night air in through my nose, out through my mouth. My dogs sits quietly beside me until I’m ready to go back inside.
My nightly routine started several months ago. I blame it on the dog getting restless for a potty break, but in truth, it’s me who needs the break, some time alone to be quiet. The shield of darkness is my only opportunity for such peace. I desperately need not to be needed. When everyone else is asleep is when I get my chance.
After letting the dog out and coming back inside, we sneak into my daughter’s old bedroom where I spend the next few hours alone, save the dog, who curls up in a tight ball beside me.
This is how I choose to introduce myself to you: a woman whose only time alone is in the wee hours of the morning in the company of the moon and the stars and a shiny black and white dog. My days are spent caring for others, little time for myself. I struggle to find peace as long as there is light.
Kurt, you can still join me in my dreams if you want. Not gonna happen. Go to sleep. Get some rest.
Oh well. Whatever. Never mind.
Book recommendation:
Somebody's Everything 